Thursday, December 11, 2014

Mat time flatulence...a guide

Once you have been training long enough, you reach certain milestones...the first stripe on your white belt...the first time you tap someone in the gym...the first time you get your hand raised after winning a match...and the first time you pass gas while training.

I actually remember my first mat fart. I was a white belt, on the cusp of my blue, and I had held it in for so long. I was proud to have never farted on the mats. Certain guys did it all the time, but they were gross and didn't have girlfriends. Me, on the other hand, well, I was just a little bit classier than everyone else. Until one day it just slipped out...

Yes, I was embarrassed. But it happened and it was beyond my control. And, truth be told, it's happened many more times since then. What's a classy jiu jitsu girl to do?

Which leads me to the point of this discussion. It's time we've had a frank discussion about jiu jitsu farts. It happens to all of us, and it's time to clear the air, pun intended. Flatulence does not have to be a source of shame.

So, what types of jiu jitsu farts are there and how should we react when they slip out?

  • The knee on belly, Nelly
    • You are rolling and everything is cool. But then, all of a sudden, your training partner's knee on belly makes you go toot toot toot. It is unexpected and you have no time to clench, so to speak
    • Your reaction: Keep rolling. Your training partner is attacking you and getting the better of this match. It is quite possible she didn't notice your slip. Otherwise, she is probably too busy beating you up to care. Focus on surviving and defending.

  • The uke flukey
    •  The instructor is using you as his uke as he is teaching class. A dozen eyes are on you as the instructor demonstrates the move. You relax your muscles and flow with the movements...only you relax too much.  Some gas slips out and it makes a sound.
    •  Your reaction: It's time to own it. There are multiple witnesses, after all. Excuse  yourself and move on. Laugh with the group.

  • The clean eating demon
    • You are cutting weight for a tournament or fight. You're not easy to be around right now, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the cloud of unpleasant odor that follows you for a 6 ft radius. I have 2 words for you: celery farts.
    • Your reaction: You know when it's coming. Discretely head to the bathroom, as often as necessary.  

  •  The cross-training fart
    • You are taking a yoga class, running with friends, or maybe you're out dancing on the town. Chances are, the folks you are with are of a daintier persuasion than your mat friends. You don't want to fart in front of them, but you are out of your element here and let one slip out.
    • Your reaction: Play dumb and stay anonymous. No one really knows it was you. Blame it on the wind, a fellow yogi, or that drunk guy shakin' it next to you. "Whoever smelt it, dealt it," is your motto here.
So there you have it. Everyone farts, and as much as you'd like to avoid it, sometimes you will pass gas when you really don't want to. It happens to the best of us and doesn't make you any less of a classy dame or dude.  So roll on, friends.