When to train with everyone and when to just train

I was reading Roy Marsh's  blog where he discusses Dave Camarillo’s motto "train with everyone." Among other points, Roy talks about all the knowledge he's gained from training with so many different people and instructors. It was a timely read for me, because lately I've been thinking about that issue myself.

A few weeks ago, I went to Miami for the world pro trials, where I hoped to win a trip to compete in Abu Dhabi. I had a decent tournament - I won my weight class but lost to the eventual winner in absolute, where I took bronze. Objectively, I knew that I did well but I still went home feeling disappointed in myself. I had trained my butt off, went through a grueling training camp, did a ton of extra drilling, had the support of my coaches and teammates, but still I fell short. What did I do wrong?

 

Some time and perspective showed me that I didn't do anything wrong, per se. I trained to the best of my ability and my team did everything possible to help me. I know that my game improved during my training camp. It just turned out that on that day, someone else was a little better.


It was then that I resolved that once a week, in some form or another, to push myself outside my comfort zone and train with different people. I would go to open mats, tournaments, seminars, etc. By regularly rolling with new people of different skill levels, styles, sizes, and shapes, I hoped that my own jiu jitsu would continue to grow.

So far I've stuck to my word. Since the tournament, I visited an open mat at Gracie Raleigh, went to a women's open mat at Chapel Hill Gracie Jiu Jitsu, competed in a US Grappling tournament, attended a Billy Dowey seminar at Sandhills Jiu Jitsu, and attended the lunch time class at my own school on a day that I was off work. I rolled with new and different people at all of these places. It's been both fun and productive for me. I've made some new friends and definitely picked up some new tricks!

But here's the other side of it - at least 75% of my rolling continues to be with the same 8-12 people each week. And I don't think that's a bad thing. A while back, when I was feeling discouraged and beaten down, I began making a conscious effort to roll most of the time with those who I roll most productively with. I am not avoiding anybody as much as seeking out those with whom I consistently have the most beneficial rolls. For me, those folks are not going to spaz out or overly beast me, are usually within 30 pounds of my size, have skills that challenge me technically, and have personalities that I generally click with...and vice versa.

What I like about these rolls is that it is evident to me that they are mutually beneficial. It is clear that both parties are getting something out of it. We might be benefitting in different ways - there are folks that regulary submit me that I usually work defense with. And there are folks that I regularly submit and work my offense with. And there are even more folks that I roll relatively evenly with and we spend most of our time in one or the other's guard. But there is always the sense that both parties are getting something out of it. The objective is not to dominate the other as much as to develop skill sets. It is common for the more advanced practicioner to offer advice and encouragement to the newer individual. And those comments are well received.

Sometimes these relationships develop naturally and easily and sometimes they take a little work. I have recently begun to attend MMA classes and I'll be honest - I'm no one's first choice in training partner. I'm often the odd one out, the person added into an existing group or left to partner with the instructor. This doesn't bother me much because, as the new person, it's on me to establish productive training partnerships.  And part of it is likely because guys are naturally disinclined to partner with a female when there is face punching involved, and understandably so. If in a few months folks are still reluctant to train with me, I would need to look internally to figure out why they are not benefitting from our partnership. Is it too one-sided? Are they not getting as much out of it as I am? There's not much I can do to change my physical attributes (I cannot morph myself into a 220 lb man anymore than I can a110 lb woman), but I can adjust my training style and intensity according to my partner's needs.

I agree that training with everyone is essential to my growth and progression in jiu jitsu. But even more important, I believe, is continuing to train as often as possible with those with whom I am most productive. I grateful for the ample opportunities that I have to do both!

So why DO so many women quit jiu jitsu?

Keith Owen stirred up quite a bit of controversy with his blog post Can Women Really Handle Brazilian Jiu Jitsu?  ::Insert obligatory female jiu jitsu blogger's response to Keith Owen's post here::

Yes, jiu jitsu women are pissed and are firing back. And they should. I'm not going to comment on how ridiculous and offensive Owen's post was, because it's already been done many times over, and much more eloquently than I could. 

My own first reaction to reading his post was what a sexist douche. But my next thought was what if he's right? Don't get me wrong, I want to choke out Mr. Owen as much as anyone else does. But I  would be lying if I said I wasn't frequently disappointed by how quickly some women give up on the martial art I love so much. It was not so long ago that I got fed up with training with women too, because it bothered me too much when my favorite training partners up and quit. They put in their time, I become emotionally invested in their success, then BOOM, they were gone.

But here's the thing - MEN quit jiu jitsu all the time too. My instructor has a very large stack of waivers signed by people who have dropped in to try a class. Out of that stack, a small minority enroll in the school. And a very small percentage of those stick around to get their blue belts. And numbers dwindle further from there. The number of people who begin training jiu jiutsu who ever make it to their purple belts is pretty small. It is only those who do who are considered to be in it for the long haul.

Are women more likely to quit jiu jitsu than men are? Maybe. I don't really know. But it's unfair to generalize from the small sample size of any one particular school. And since women are such a minority in jiu jitsu, we tend to stand out more and it is more noticeable when we leave.

So any discussion about why women quit jiu jitsu needs to start with why people quit jiu jitsu. So why do so many folks, male and female, quit something that's so awesome?

They're just not that into it
Anyone who tries jiu jitsu and trains for a period of time probably likes jiu jistu. Why else would you do it? But there are plenty of activities that I have tried, liked, and ultimately not stuck with because I just wasn't that into it. It has nothing to do with not being tough enough as Owen implied. If something isn't your passion, you're not going to dedicate yourself to it, plain and simple.

Jiu jitsu is expensive
I'm not saying that it's not worth it, but jiu jitsu costs a lot of money. Not everyone can afford monthly dues, not to mention equipment and tournaments.

Other priorities get in the way
Some people have to work long hours at work or school. Other people have kids whom, I am told, are quite time consuming to raise. When parents have to choose between taking their kids to soccer practice or training jiu jitsu, mat time tends to lose out.

Injuries are inevitable and they suck
Sometimes injuries require a long break from jiu jitsu, which causes people to fizzle out. People might give up because the risk of re-injury isn't worth it to them.


They get fed up with being the nail
It takes some time to get good at jiu jitsu. No one is particularly good at it when they begin, because it is counter-intuitive. When you are brand new, you get tapped all the time. For some, this period is frustrating enough to make them lose interest.


They have issues with jiu jitsu as a contact sport
Some people over-react to getting accidentally hit, kicked, scratched, pinched, eye poked, and kneed in the crotch. Yes, these things suck but they come with the territory. In my experience, guys are just as likely as women to be annoying over-reactors. I tend to avoid rolling with these folks. 

They have issues with jiu jitsu as an intimate sport 
Some women don't like rolling around with sweaty men; some men don't like rolling around with sweaty men either. Guys often give homophobic reasons for not wanting to do jiu jitsu and there is no denying that it is an intimate sport. For example, the other day, I asked how I could avoid getting guillotined in a particular spot. I was told that my head was too high and that I needed to get closer to my partner's crotch. So I made the necessary adjustments to my technique. Diehards will do what they need to do to improve their game, but not everyone is comfortable getting that close.

Some people are introduced to jiu jitsu through their significant others and quit after they break up
Ok, this sounds lame, but it happens. This category probably intersects with the "not that into it" category, because these folks are in it for their partners (at lease at first) and not for pure interest in the sport.

There you have it. When women quit jiu jitsu, there is a strong probability that it has nothing to do with them being female. Chances are, we quit for the same reasons guys do, not because we are not tough enough for the sport.


Certainly, there are other factors that are unique to women. But again, none of these factors imply a general lack of toughness.

Women get pregnant
It's not really fair to pick on us for this. Sometimes, a couple decides that it wants to start a family. However, it is only women who have the option of getting pregnant. Newsflash to Owens: men don't have uteruses. It would be cool if they did, but they don't. For women, getting pregnant means they will likely miss some rolling time, for safety reasons. Again, it is certainly not that we are not tough enough for jiu jistu. Truth be told, there is a lot that horrifies me about pregnancy, child birth, and babies, but time off the mats is #1 on that list.
I know a very tough female who was back competing in tournaments only months after her baby was born. But Owen listed this as a reason that some women quit, so I wanted to address it.

Jiu jitsu can be socially isolating for some women
Before I began training jiu jitsu, I was a competitive swimmer and had plenty of girlfriends whom I saw at practice almost every day. Now, my spare time is occupied by jiu jitsu and I have come to a point in my life where most of my friends are dudes. Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't trade my training partners for all the gal pals in the world.  But not all women feel comfortable socially as the only woman in the group, as they often are in the sport.

Creepy things happen more often than you think
Creepers exist everywhere and the mats are no exception. I have some training partners that I trust unconditionally, because I have spent a lot of time with them and know that they care about my well-being. But new women don't know whom to trust and they don't have enough seniority to know that someone has their back. Something creepy happened to me before I started at my current school and it was months before I told anyone. As the new person and the lowest on the totem pole, it can be hard to speak out when someone is out of line. If you are not yet vested in the sport, quitting is easier than saying,"dude, fuck off."

To me, asking if women are really tough enough to handle jiu jitsu is like asking if men are tough enough to handle ballet. Both arts are physically and mentally demanding. But the difference in gender ratios of the participants should not imply a lack of toughness on the minority's part.

The one thing I liked about Owen's post was the last paragraph, which I agree with 100%:

"If you are a women and  you get a purple belt or above in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu then I want you to know that you are a very special and awesome person because you have the intestinal fortitude to be able to stick with something that’s difficult for many stronger men let alone a women. Some will ask, "Why a Purple Belt?"  because no one gets a purple belt without being able to tap others out.  This means tapping men...So...Go tap some men. Remember ladies it ain't easy but stick with it.  Gracie Jiu-Jitsu is made for you!"

The end of an era...passing Ryan's guard

It’s the end of an era, my friends. On January 18^th, I accomplished one of my lifetime jiu jitsu goals, something I set out to do from my early days as a white belt. I finally passed Ryan's guard, thereby earning the right to spray tan him.

This may seem like an unusual consequence for guard passing, but I will explain. See, when I began training jiu jitsu, Ryan was an advanced student and was in charge of teaching the beginner class. I was not someone who picked up jiu jitsu easily at first. I was not naturally graceful or coordinated, but I was strong and quick, which led to me spazzing quite a bit. Teaching me was a source of frustration for Ryan, which he did not always hide well. I got frustrated too. I could not insult Ryan's jiu jitsu, which was quite good, so instead I made fun of Ryan for being as pale as an albino. One day I may have politely suggested to Ryan that he leave me alone and take his pasty, white ass to get spray tanned instead.

Ryan agreed to let me spray tan him…but I would have to pass his guard first. At that point, he may as well have been challenging me to pass Gui Mendes’ guard or maybe even the tooth fairy’s – impossible. But I kept trying because I had to. Ryan was so pale that it was starting to affect my eye sight.

He was always a good sport about letting me try, though. He always yielded guard when we rolled and usually let me back up after sweeping me – giving me ample opportunities to work on passing. A while back, I actually did pass his guard. When he was distracted, talking to another student, I jumped around him without actually engaging. It was a cheap, shameless victory. While technically I had accomplished my goal, I decided I did not want to win that way. I wanted to pass his guard legitimately. So I kept at it.

For the past few weeks, I've been training for a major tournament and have been drilling a lot of guard passing. My confidence has increased. My relative weakness, it seemed, was becoming a strength. Then, I finally had my day!

Thank you, Ryan, for teaching me good Gracie fundamentals, giving me impetus to develop my guard passing, and for taking your spray tan like a champ. Here are some pictures:

Before

During

tramp stamp, by his girlfriend's request

After

photo by Jeff Shaw, dirty white belt

 

What do you guys think?

Does fighter mentality condone rape culture?

 

If you train jiu jitsu and also do not live under a rock, then you have heard the unsettling news from this week. Two jiu jitsu fighters from a Lloyd Irvin school in the DC area were arrested for repeatedly raping a female teammate on New Year's Eve.* 

The jiu jitsu community is rightfully horrified. It seems like everybody is talking about the attack and trying to find ways to show support for the victim. A female jiu jitsu fighter in the area created this poster, which is now widely distributed:

created by Maggie Ghamry

 

 

 

Others are collecting donations for domestic violence shelters. Someone is even designing a gi patch to promote martial artists uniting against rape, with proceeds going to support victims. Overall, the responses of the jiu jistu community are general outrage, support for the victim, and a desire for changes in our culture to prevent future sexual assaults.

I share these reactions, but I am also feeling something I wasn't expecting: defensiveness. I feel defensive both for jiu jitsu itself and for those of us who live its lifestyle. I am certain that my training partners would never rape me and would likely break the limbs of anyone who ever tried. Still, we all seem to be hanging our heads in collective guilt.

I feel defensive for jiu jitsu because the self-defense system was developed to prevent rapes, among other attacks. Recently, I was talking with a training partner about the likelihood of ever using the weapons disarmament techniques we were learning that day. He made the argument that odds were slim that someone would attack him with a knife and not simply be after his wallet. And I absolutely agreed with him. But for women the reality is different. I used to go on nighttime runs by myself on a trail near my house. I finally stopped doing this because I've accepted the reality that if someone jumps me, he might not be after my Ipod.

It is a shame that women are such a minority in jiu jitsu, because from a self-defense perspective, women need jiu jitsu more than men do. People argue that this is because men are on average bigger and stronger than women are. And I agree that's part of it. But a bigger concern for me is that women are victims of different kinds of attacks than men are. Regardless of how much I can dead lift, I will always have self-defense concerns that are different than those of a man my size.



This basis in self-defense for the vulnerable is why an attack within our community is so shocking. Somewhere along the line, has our focus shifted from survival and self defense to one of dominance and machismo? This attack has people wondering - are there aspects of fight school culture that implicitly encourage rape? (I say "fight school" and not "martial arts academy" because there are HUGE differences in the cultures of various BJJ schools. The two names carry different implications about the schools' respective cultures).

This video says it much more eloquently than I can. If you have eight minutes, I encourage you to watch the whole thing. It focuses on the Steubenville football rape, but there are some striking parallels to the case here.

 

The video made me realize another reason I'm feeling defensive - maybe I'm part of the problem. I'm guilty of using the word rape in contexts that I'm pretty sure this dude would not approve of. For example, "That guy is going to get raped in his fight."  No, I am not predicting that he will actually get sexually assaulted in the cage. I'm predicting that he will be dominated and rendered powerless by a more capable opponent. It is not my intention to trivialize rape by making these kinds of statements, but that may be the end result.

I am glad that, unlike with the football scandal above, people are not trying to sweep this under the rug. But I would be lying if I said I don't cringe every time I read the "jiu jitsu fighters against rape" plug. To me, it is something that should go without saying. Of course I am against rape - just like I'm against hate crimes, abusing children, or setting puppies on fire. The fact that we, as a group, have reason to state publicly our opposition to rape is downright disturbing.

As for me, I will not be sewing any anti-rape patches on my gi (although I see nothing wrong with doing so if that's how you want to show support). Instead, I am going show my opposition to rape by encouraging women to try jiu jitsu, rolling nice with them when they are new, and giving self defense techniques the respect they deserve.

* I realize that people are innocent until proven guilty and some folks take issue with condemning the persons in question before they receive a guilty sentence. However, I consider video footage to be pretty solid evidence. I say "rape" instead of "alleged rape" because the latter implies that I am doubting the victim.

The Caloric Poor Man's Version of a Frappuccino

If your holidays were anything like mine, you had a great time. You went to a lot of parties with friends. You had good dinners with family. You traveled a little and splurged a lot. By the end of it, you felt like you ate and drank your way through the past month and a half - which you kind of did.

The average American gains 3 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year's. But being the overachiever that I am, I shot past this benchmark and gained 4 pounds instead. I know this is not the end of the world. But since I'm training for a major tournament, I'm more than ready to get back into fighting shape.

My main weakness is that I work out late and thus tend to be a late night snacker. So for the next few months, I'm going to give up this snacking in favor of a low calorie, high protein drink.

I tweaked a recipe that I found online and developed this caloric poor man's version of a frappuccino. For under 100 calories, you get a high protein, low carb beverage that is 67% as delicious as an actual frappuccino.

Added bonus: recent studies have found that taking a protein shake before sleep increases overnight muscle protein synthesis by 22 percent.

So out with the old (delicious, carb-laden, late night treats) and in with the new (if you close your eyes and pretend you have a cold, it's almost like you're really drinking something from Starbucks).

Here's my recipe for a  mocha-protein smoothie

Combine the following in a blender:
1/2 scoop protein powder
1 tbsp splenda
1 tbsp sugar-free chocolate pudding mix
1 tbsp sugar- free vanilla creamer (or sugar-free creamer of your choice)
1 vial of instant coffee (I use decaf, since it's in the evening)
8 oz  water
3-4 ice cubes
 
Voila! You kinda, sorta have a frappuccino. In all honesty, it tastes pretty good but the texture is chalkier than what you would expect from an actual junk food. Overall, it's not bad. Tastier than health foods, but wouldn't pass for a real Starbucks treat.

Try it, if you'd like. Happy New Year, everyone!

Jiu jitsu goal setting

One of my favorite things about the New Year is all the goal setting. Everyone is making resolutions of some sort, from the ubiquitous "lose 10 lbs" to "stop biting my nails" to "expand my banana label collection."

(Yes, it's an actual thing. Collectors even have their own convention!).

 

 

 

 

I have always been an obsessive goal-setter and goal-chaser. So I embrace this time of year like goth kids do Halloween. I'm in my element.  And for about a month or so - until resolutions fade, gym memberships get cancelled, and folks go slack with their bananas - everyone else is in my element along with me.

That makes this a perfect time to set jiu jitsu goals, but whether or not you share these goals is up to you. Research has found that people are actually less likely to accomplish their goals when they share them with other people. This is surprising to me, because social support is important for just about everything. But it is theorized that when you share a goal with others, you experience a false sense of accomplishment. This temporary rise in self-esteem from talking about your goal makes you less likely to go out and do the work to make it happen. There is also the Debbie Downer factor. What is ambitious to you might sound crazy to others. Debbie Downers can talk you out of your goal, before you have begun to try.

That's one reason I'm not going to post my goals here, although if you know me well enough to ask me in person, I will probably tell you. The other reason is that my goals, from a scientific standpoint, are pretty lousy. See, as a speech pathologist, I'm a goal writing machine at work. I write IEP and Medicaid goals on an almost daily basis. I know that goals should be SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely). Vague goals like "train more" or "get better at half guard" are not very useful because they are not measurable. It's better to pick something specific and to give yourself a deadline."Win X tournament" is also not a good goal because it relies on an outcome, not performance. Your level of competition (and thus your potential for winning) is just not something you can control.

I find jiu jitsu goals to be very difficult to set, because performance and progress are hard to objectively measure. If you are training consistently and mindfully - with good coaches and training partners - I guarantee you that you are getting better. But so is everyone else, so that progress is hard to gauge or sometimes even notice.

Have you given any thought to what you want to accomplish on the mats this year? What are your resolutions? Feel free to ignore research and share them here!

Why I prefer grappling to striking

I'll be honest. One of the things I like best about Brazilian jiu jitsu is that I don't get punched in the face. I wouldn't say that I always look pretty when I go to work in the morning (with gi burn, occasional cauliflower ear, mat hair, and oddly placed bruises), but for the most part, my face remains intact. I like that!

**To say that BJJ does not include striking is not quite true. BJJ is at its heart, a self-defense system. And if you train at a pure, Gracie jiu jitsu school, you will train self defense techniques, including striking defense. **





But as a whole, BJJ is a grappling art. That's why I love it. There are many reasons that I, personally, prefer grappling to striking. Here are a few:

-  It offers greater longevity. My ultimate goal in jiu jitsu is to follow in the steps of grandmaster Helio Gracie by training into my 90s. If all goes as planned, I will not get too old to grapple until I am actually dead. Striking, however, does not offer the same longevity. Getting hit in the head is a young person's sport. It is damaging to the body and eventually, you just get too old for it.

- I feel comfortable going hard.  I have many training partners who I feel comfortable rolling very hard with. I feel comfortable with them going hard against me, because I know that they value my safety and well-being. They will not injury me to get a tap, will not beast something when the technique is not there, and will not hold me in shitty, painful  spot for no reason. And they can expect the same from me. I can also expect them to tap when I catch them in something, and not make me choose between letting go of a submission and, say, breaking their arm. And vice versa.

Striking, however, is a different story. For me to feel comfortable striking at 100% with someone, it would have to be a fair match-up (ideally, someone of my same size, gender, skill level, and level of athleticism). That narrows my scope of training partners substantially, but I don't want to be somebody's punching bag anymore than I want him or her to be mine.

- I can handle myself against new people.  In jiu jitsu, I can handle myself against the new guys. Lots of people will try to kill you on their first day. Usually they are just spazzes who don't know how to  move on the mat yet. I know I was that way when I was brand new, so I don't judge. Other times, dudes on their first week get tired of "being the nail" and look to me, as a female, as someone who they should be able to tap. Either way, I can handle myself against these new folks. I'm more than happy to beat them up for a round or two when needed.

In striking, however, guys like these will always be dangerous. If a diesel, 250 lb guy, tired of getting beat up, hits me as hard as he can - this is not a safe situation for me, regardless of my striking skill level. One clean hit would be all it would take to do damage.

- Grappling has a safe word. Tap. Say it, and the pain stops immediately. Or if you are proactive about it, you can say it before the pain even starts, saving your joints some wear and tear. It is acceptable and encouraged to tap early and often. Stay safe and be healthy to roll another day!

There is no such safe word in striking, however. Tapping to strikes is looked at as pure bitchassness. There really is no way to make the pain stop in striking, except to knock the other guy out so he will stop hitting you.

In summary, grappling rules!!!